Sunday, June 28, 2015

I was broken from a toxic life ~

 This is where I come from my childhood home :)

Hi I have had blogging on my mind for a while now.  I have a lot to catch up on. I spent the last five years dealing with an illness called dysautonomia. For me I know for sure mine was from a combination of extreme chronic stress, trying to detox, becoming anemic. I believe STRESS was my factor along with the pharmaceutical drugs I have taken.

Two years ago lets say almost three I had a breakthrough being on Paxil temporarily. that was an antidepressant. I still felt emotional pain and loneliness, but I had motivation for a period of time. I spent several hours daily dancing, did the program Brazil butt Lift, took Yoga for the first time and was feeling more like the real me. I had more tolerance to deal with a very toxic relationship i was in. I just accepted the caoss knowing things would never get better, but continued to live with him in my life.
I was able to get my veggies and shop and he must have gotten a pay off for driving me. I paid him for rides. Well I know now it was clearly a codependent association. I secretly held disgust in my heart for me and this person.

Today I can happily announce I am OUT of that situation and will never look back. Nearly three years ago I was healthy and thin and felt good physically. Unfortunately something happened to me and it changed me for the worse. i was grieving feeling so lonely  a neighbor picked up on it. He always invited me to spend time coffee or a game of chess so i was going to take him up on his offer. Sadly he had other intentions and was attached. i did not know what happened until nine months later. I coud not face this horror, but one day i realized what had happened and i broke down. It was way to late to prove this due to the way I had coped. Nine months in I am asking myself why do i feel this pain and why do I need to drink every day ? Once I came to terms with it i had stopped drinking as much.... At this point my weight had went from 105 to 167 pounds.

Today I am doing my best to make changes and abstain from any drug. i do have my slip ups, but I know i am still in the healing phase of being deceived by a man. he got me to love him and then I find out he lied about absolutely everything.  I know i am still angry. I not longer grieve the loss of him before it was the loss of who he made me believe he was.

Today I am single like it that way and wont even consider having a man in my life until i am whole. i  need to learn to love myself again and find who i am again. i lost who i was and now i am starting over, but want to it with the help of Dr. Caroline Leaf's neuro science. Got to deal with the root issues that caused me to stay with a man who didn't love me.

These are pics of the house i grew up in. It was nice to see my old home again.

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